My Story - hasn't all of it been though?

My Spiritual Journey

One of my earliest recollections is of a “Bible Camp” group that visited our neighborhood when I was about 10. Mom was reluctant to let us go. (We were Catholic and they were Christians - but I had absolutely no clue what the difference was, or how it could possibly matter, but since it was gathering just down the street, she let us go).  One song in particular evoked a very different feeling than songs sung at St. Michael's Church:

We are one in the Spirit, we are one in the Lord
We are one in the Spirit, we are one in the Lord
And we pray that our unity will one day be restored
And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love
Yes they'll know we are Christians by our love

I grew up believing that "Catholic" and "Christian" was the same thing and that if you weren't Catholic, you were going to hell. Who would ever choose that path? I remember feeling awkward about being separated from those who were not catholic to walk to catechism class from our elementary school, but I do not remember much about the actual classes. Fragments of memories about hanging out with friends in the parking lot - Wednesday evenings I think it was - middle school, but again, not the classes. I remember many Sundays morning, all six of us being chided to get ready to go to church with Mom, but I wanted to go. When she finally gave up "forcing" all 6 of us to go with her, one of my brothers recorded my rather judgmental, whiny teen voice saying: “Aren’t you boys going to church with Mom?” I wanted what was being offered, peace, connectedness, direction, but most importantly, quiet time with my Mom.

I loved watching Sally Field in The Flying Nun, so after the recording incident, they started calling me “Sister Jacquelyn.” That character was 'old' and frumpy, but I didn’t care. At 15 I became a Godmother to my first niece, Kristen. Our older sister was asked first, but she was a divorced woman of 20, and the church would not allow it until her marriage was annulled. That was the point at which I began to wonder:

Who makes those calls? What human being is deciding that? Doesn't sound like God to me.

I began seeking answers without really realizing I was. During a school magazine drive I chose “Campus Life” and didn’t even realize it was considered a “Christian” publication. I dreamed of going away to one of the colleges shown on those glossy pages.  I went to church more frequently, and even daily during lent of the two years I was attending a nearby college. I so loved going with my Mom, and often my boyfriend would join us too. I was 19 and kinda thought maybe we’d marry one day. However, when I started meeting other “boys” and adding alcohol to the mix, everything changed. Then I got my first “real” job, fell for the company heart throb, broke my boyfriend’s heart, then had mine broken, and then, and then, and then.

When I traveled for work for the first time, it was for a great project, but quite far away from my hometown. Once again, I felt the urge to connect, so I found a church to go (by using an actual phone book!)  I found solace in memorizing the Prayer of St. Francis:

“Lord, make me an instrument of your peace…”

About that time, at a very difficult time in my life, I felt sure the priest at my home church had betrayed my confidentiality and a similar thought returned:

Who says there should be a human being between me and God?

I went to church less and less frequently, Christmas, Easter, family weddings and baptisms, but when I decided to marry, it was a Justice of the Peace at the Town Hall, for my adventurous spirit and some logical reasons. We were moving to Virginia a few days later, me, Dave, and his 16 year old daughter, Regina. It made sense – at the time -- now I know it was all God's Will for me, for us.

In Virginia, by the grace of God, I was drawn to Unity Renaissance Church, not far from the office where I worked as a computer programmer for a defense contractor. I had a vague recollection of hearing “The WORD from Unity” spots on television in the 1960s and 70s and remembered a feeling of peace and acceptance. Not only did I attend this nondenominational, ecumenical church, I decided to be baptized – during lent – for some reason – that usually brings a smile to people’s faces. I taught Sunday school, went on retreats, but I was unhappy, and struggled with life choices. I was back in college, but way heart wasn't in it because I was not being true to myself, and my desires.

A favorite song in the early 1990s was "Seeds" by Kathy Mattea listen here. My family of origin began embracing 12 Step recovery programs, and by the grace of God - again, so did I. I changed majors and began to pursue a degree in Human Services counseling. I loved it, and embraced God's plan for my life as I prayed on Mother's Day, 1995, at the Unity Church of Hawaii. Ten months later, my only child was born, and 7 months later, we moved to North Carolina.

I "found" and began attending a Unity churches, got involved in youth education again, and tried to stick with it, but "things" still weren't clicking. Still struggling, still seeking. I also "found" Meredith College shortly after I arrived in NC, but held off until my wee one was in school. Now struggling AND juggling, life was not easy, my ex-husband traveled for work quite often and in 2006, we divorced and I graduated from Meredith.

By this time, my niece/Goddaughter had married a Buddhist and I suppose you might say converted. My brother, who just happened to be her Godfather, had become a yoga instructor and he too embraced Eastern spiritual practices.

 “I belong to no religion. My religion is love. Every heart is my temple.” ― Rumi

And so, as I continued to find my place and my peace in the world, I began to feel as though I might be Buddhist – Very recently, I heard a clip of Joseph Campbell being interviewed. He said:

“We are all manifestations of Buddha consciousness only don't know it.
And the Buddha, the word means to wake up” video

For about a decade, I focused on the "struggling and juggling" I mentioned earlier. I was doing "okay" - asking God for help only when I'd become exhausted by all of my attempts to hold it all together. However, when my Dad passed two years ago, I was given an express route, it now seems.

By the grace of God, again, and with the help of a dear friend, I was able to not only make the connection, but feel the connection to something much greater happening in my life. The place where I had always felt such a longing, an abyss really, an emptiness I could not fill, cracked wide open, and I let go. I began taking much deeper breaths and then more of them. With God's grace, I was able to be fully present for the memorial service, and for my Mom, one of my very best friends.

With the help of friends, prayer, and meditation, God guided me to Lifepointe Church. I felt at home immediately, and decided to "go all in" including baptism at Falls Lake on June 24, 2018.

I know God  is at work in my life because I ask Him to be, and let Him know
He is welcome here, in my life, in my home, in my heart.
And on really good days, I simply pray: "Use me, Lord."
On those days, what was once an abyss, is now a growth point.
I know there is much more to be done through me as a humble vessel of God's love.
I have chosen to follow Jesus' example and be an instrument of peace and love.
One day at a time.