"She emerged..." Sunset to Sunrise...

"She emerged..." Sunset to Sunrise...

Aug 7, 2016 walking my dog, Misty, while listening to my Mom give me on update on my Dad’s condition, I heard a firm, gentle, unfamiliar voice say: “Come on Jack” 

I was moved to tears, but silently allowed space for my Mom to process what was happening more 600 miles away. I sat down at the edge of a stream, and let it sink in: 
My Dad, Jack Law, was being called home.

For the next few days I grappled with all the “normal” questions:

Can I get there “in time” – In time for what?

We’d had a great visit in June

How can I help from here? What can I do? 

And WHY am I still living so far away from the rest of my family?

In hindsight, I know those questions were actually my prayers and God would answer them – in time.

The next day, a close friend gently reminded me of God’s presence - in my life, my father’s life, my mother’s, and indeed, my entire family, and we are all together, always.

and so... I began to pray simply for peace. For all of us.

At 5 pm, on August 10^th my Mom, her voice shaky, called to let me know –

 it was time – my Dad – was passing. She put the phone to his ear –

I said:  “I love you Daddy” and that was all.

He left his body, surrounded by many of our large family.

Somehow, I gathered my things and numbly walked HERE [Meredith College Chapel]

It felt cavernous to me – too big, not “empty” – exactly, but my Dad had not been a big church goer –  so I went to the meditation room instead.

I sat. I prayed, or sobbed, I tried to breathe, but not for very long. I needed to go home. To tell Logan. Make dinner. Walk Misty.

I remember now how odd it seemed that I felt strangely similar to when my marriage was ending at the beginning of my next to last semester here.

I was about to realize why that was.

I walked to my car. Called Logan. Drove home. Went through the motions of making dinner… I did what I felt needed to be done – but then

I stopped doing. I needed something more. So I did the ONLY thing I thought MIGHT help – I went to the garden – and I walked – not in the beds exploring and watering and tending as I might normally do.

I walked around the outer circle as though it were a labyrinth of healing and that is what it became. I’d heard the song "It is Well With my Soul" a few months before, and found this powerful version on YouTube:
I let the words and music flow over me.  I sang and I cried and then I sang louder.

As the sunset, and my heart continued to crack open, at with it, the release and the relief of allowing God’s presence to receive my pain, my grief, and my gratitude.

I felt lifted up, as I realized that the man who had been my father on earth, was being received, by our Father, in heaven.

I knew, I felt it, in that sunset, I saw it.

In those precious moments came the awareness – 
the weaving of the little girl who so enjoyed going to church -- with the woman who had let so much “stuff” into the place where love was supposed to be.

Until that moment, I’d not realized I could never fill that hole with any relationship because that was where GOD’S LOVE was supposed to be, and while He had never moved –I had.

And so, as I emerged from the garden.... I turned – ever so slightly... Toward God, and began letting Him know He was once again “welcome” in my life - peace and love – for myself – and for my family,  began filling me with all that I needed to walk through at least the next few days. 

With the God's grace, I was able to be fully present for the memorial service, and for my Mom. August 16^th used to be my wedding anniversary. Now it is the anniversary of the day we celebrated my father’s life, and then scattered his ashes where we shared so many happy family memories at Napatree, a beach in Watch Hill, RI.

Sunrise 16 August 2016

 After the scattering of ashes

On the plane, sitting on the tarmac in RI, about to head back to Raleigh – just in case there was any thought about return to “normal” I experienced a few more reminders of God’s presence, and sense of humor.

I was reading a book Health Revelations from Heaven and Earth: and right there – on page 73 -- were the words “congestive heart failure” I gasped.

Later I would read the page again – it said:

   "In all forms of heart disease — especially congestive heart failure — there is a dysfunctional metabolism of ATP (the energy of life), creating a relentless deficit… literally an "energy-starved heart."

A wave of understanding came over me.

While “congestive heart failure” were the words written on my father’s chart, what he really struggled with for most of his life was an “energy starved heart”.  When I looked down again at the book I was holding, the hands holding the book were not mine, but my father's.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and when I opened my eyes, was a little sad to see my own hands, but I also knew my Dad is with me.

No more reading. Instead, I asked the man sitting next to me if he'd ever heard of candy being used as a centerpiece at a reception for a funeral. My Dad liked candy -- a lot and my niece has cleverly decorated the tables with candy and Cracker Jack. I showed him a picture of one friend's exuberance over the “surprise inside,” 

and told him how much each of these elements helped me get through that day.

And then, this stranger, sitting next to me on a plane, asked if I like Cracker Jack and if I wanted some. What are the chances of someone, anyone, on that plane having two snack-sized bags of Cracker Jack in their carry on? He got up, took them out, gave me one and ate the other. I did not eat mine. I still have it, as a reminder.

From that day on, I began my more conscious journey of REconnecting with God. 
I was raised Catholic, and I loved going to church with my Mom. 
I think what I really wanted was some quiet time alone with my Mom. 
(I was 4^th of 6 kids) so I went to church with her as often as I could - I still do.

When I was in my early 20s, dealing with heartbreak over relationships and choices I'd made, away from home for the first time, working in Texas for weeks at a time, and feeling disconnect, I found my way to a Catholic church, and decided to memorize the Prayer of Saint Francis. “Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.”  I don’t think I realized the significance of that particular prayer a that particular time, but in many ways it was pivotal to my realization that my feeling connected had nothing to do with the building, priest, ceremony, or rituals. Disillusioned with the formality of going through the motions week after week, year after year, without real connection, I attended church less and less frequently.

The summer I turned 30, Dave and I eloped. His "dream job" was in Virginia, so we moved, with his 16-year-old daughter, Regina. Eventually, again because I was feeling a great deal of angst in my heart - I found a non-denominational church, not far from the office where I worked as a computer programmer. I was baptized – during lent – so I joke that I gave Catholicism up for lent that year, but in truth, I was simply still searching, and still struggling with my relationship with God.

Here was the struggle: How much of my life would willingly turn over to God, and how much did I still want to pretend I had some kind of control over?

What I finally figured out was this: whenever I embraced God's plan for my life – and let Him work out the details, miracles happen. On Mother's Day, 1995, at the Unity Church of Hawaii, I wrote a short, simple prayer request and put it in the basket. Ten months later, my only child was born, and 7 months after that, we moved to North Carolina. At 35, I changed “careers” and became a full-time Mom.

I "found" and began attending Unity churches, got involved in youth education as I’d been in Virginia, and tried to make everything work, but "things" still weren't clicking. Still struggling, still seeking. I also "found" Meredith College, and became a student when my child began 1st grade.

Still struggling AND now also juggling, I continued searching for my place and my peace … but kept focusing on the "struggling and juggling". I thought I was doing "okay", asking God for help, but only when I'd become so thoroughly exhausted by all of my attempts to hold it all together. My marriage officially ended in Nov 2006 and I graduated in December 2006.

So much has happened since then, but, when my Dad passed, it all clicked.

What an incredible gift! An express route to the direct connection that was there all along. By the grace of God, and with the help of loving friends, I was able to not only make the connection, but feel the connection to something much greater happening in my life.

The place where I had always felt such a longing, an abyss at times, an emptiness I could not fill, God could, and does, whenever I let him. I began taking much deeper breaths and then more of them. 

Through prayer and meditation, encouragement and nudging, with the help of a close friend leading the way by being an example, I found a church home whose mission is: 

“HELPING PEOPLE CONNECT WITH GOD”.

I know God is at work in my life because I ask Him to be, and let Him know

He is welcome here, in my life, in my home, in my heart.

I know my father is by my side, and if I happen to forget either of these things, I am reminded – in a myriad of ways far too numerous to list, but here are a couple.

I’ve since learned that the name man who was walking his dog on Aug 7, 2016 is Larry. His dog’s name is actually Jackson, and he doesn't remember ever calling him “Jack”

A couple of weeks ago, I ran into Melinda Campbell near the Martin Garden and when she saw me she said jokingly:

“…And she emerged from the garden... Doesn’t that sound like the beginning of a novel?"  I answered simply: "Well, yes, I supposed it does."

But thought to myself – or at least the name of this Story

And that place in me that I once felt was an abyss?

That is my growth point.

And the less I resist, the more I grow, and know: there is much more to be done through me as a humble instrument of God's peace and love, and the prayer I memorized decades ago continues to guide me.